Brazil: The Keystone Cops Weigh in Again

I am now in India, a lovely, well-mannered country where nobody has tried to kill me, by crashing an airplane into me and blaming the innocent pilots, and so for a time at least Brazil seems, well a half world away.

But the vigilant and honorable Richard Pedicini, our Sao Paulo bureau chief, has remained on the job, 24 - 7 it seems to me.

Evidently, the congressional invetogators, known as the CPI, have now signed off on their "report," which evidently exonerates the air traffic controllers and blames only the American pilots. This remarkable feat or investigative work has been accomplished by the tried and true method of ignoring the undisputed evidence and deliberately mistranslating sections of the cockpit voice recorder. Oh, and why have we not heard Word One from the Gol recorder?

Now, I have been remiss in not saying that I hear regularly from sensible, fair minded Brazilians who tell me their country can be crazy. And I have been hearing from a lot of the recently warning me that the CPI has about as much credibility as the Myanmar parliament..


Anyway, here's an update, translation courtesy as usual of Mr. Pedicini.

httpp://www.sonoticias.com.br/mostra.php?id=54365 General Sinop court asks for interference of STJ in trial over Boeing crash October 5, 2007 - 16:28 The continuation of the trial on the accident involving the Gol plane - the second worst in Brazilian aviation - in the North of Mato Gosso, will depend on a decision of the Supremo [should be "Superior"] Tribunal de Justiça (STJ). The federal judge of Sinop, Murilo Mendes, 'raised as an impediment a positive conflict of jurisdiction' and asked for the intervention of the court. Só Notícias obtained, first hand, the gist of the decision, published today, after the magistrate became aware that a criminal action is underway in the Military Courts, in Brasilia, which investigates the same facts as the trial underway in the Federal Court of Sinop. "It is not convenient for anyone that a situation of uncertainty continues in relation to thsich court has jurisdiction for the trial and judgment of the air traffic controllers. Everything recommends that the Superior Tribunal of Justice pronounce on this material. This avoids, among other things, the performance of unnecessary investigations by the judge who at the end comes to be judged incompetent by the STJ. But it isn't just this. It should be taken into account the circumstance that it constitutes flagrant illegal constraint to oblige the defendants to answer for the same facts before two bodies with distinct jurisdiction", he justified in his decision. In the indictment offered by the Federal Prosecutors' Office, the accused were air traffic controllers Jomarcelo Fernandes dos Santos, Lucivando Tibúrcio de Alencar, Leandro José Santos de Barros and Felipe dos Santos Reis, and the pilots of the Legacy jet Joseph Lepore and Jan Paladino. In August, the four controllers were interrogated in Sinop, and related that they were not aware that they were responding to a military inquiry. Mendes also remembered that, after the accident, the STJ determined that the trial was in the jurisdiction of the Federal Court of Sinop, under the argument that "in dealing with crime practiced on board an aircraft or in detriment to goods, services or the interest of the Union, jurisdiction is with the Federal Courts, by force of constitutional command". This week, judge Zilah Maria Callado Fadul Petersen, of the 11th Military, in Brasilia, rejected the indictment by the Military Prosecutors' Office (MPM) against five air traffic controllers, among them the four indicted in Sinop, for involvement in the accident. Another point questioned by Murilo Mendes is in relation to the crime of which they are accused. In the MPF's indictment, they were charged under article 261 of the Criminal Code, exposing to danger an embarkation or aircraft, one's own or another's, or practicing any act that tend to impede or hinder maritime, fluvial, or air navigation. Now, article 283 of the Military Penal Code provides - expose to danger an aircraft or ship, one's own or another's, under military guard, protection or requisition emanating from a legal order, or in a place subject to military administration, as well as practicing any act that tend to impede or hinder air, sea, river or lake navigation under military administration, guard or protection. "The facts described in the accusatory piece, taken together, are not subsumed in that type of crime. There it speaks of "exposing to danger an aircraft under military guard, protection or requisition, or in a place subject to military administration". The airplanes weren't under guard. Guard is the 'act or effect of guarding, surveillance, care, guarding'. The only plausible possibility in favor of the classifying the acts as a military crime would be the allegation that the aircraft were "in a place subject to military administration" he justified. In the Military Court's decision, not accepting the indictment by the MPM, the judge argued that the indictment did not conform to article 77 of the Military Criminal Code, [should be "Codigo de processo penal militar" Code of military criminal procedure, see http://www.dji.com.br/decretos_leis/1969-001002-cppm/cppm__0077a0081.htm#Art.%2077], which determines "the exposition of the criminal fact, with all its circumstances". Source: Só Notícias/Tania Rauber

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On This I Really Can't Be Firmer; That Country's Proper Name Is Burma

From today's paper: "The country -- the former Burma -- has roughly as many monks as soldiers."

I'd say that's part of the problem. But that's
beside the points, which are:

1. Why do the papers dutifully refer to that godforsaken place as Myanmar? You're not often going to often hear me in agreement with the White House, but I am this time. The name of the country is Burma. Myanmar is a label stuck on it in 1989 by the wack-job thugs who took over in the crazy military coup that still rules today. I don't care what the prissy style-books say, it's Burma.

2. On Sept. 25, 2007 (meaning, only last Tuesday), the Pacific Asia Travel Association put out a cheerful press release "Asia Pacific Tourism Continues to Break Records." True enough, and great! But without irony or footnote, the organization listed "Myanmar" as one of those happy go-to spots that "posted best-ever performances in 2006."

3. Well, you undoubtedly know this already, but if you have immediate Burma plans, cancel them!

In a warning issued last week, the State Department said that "U.S. citizens should defer non-essential travel to Burma at this time." The warning went on:

"The scale of demonstrations by monks and Burmese citizen supporters in Rangoon, Mandalay, and other cities has grown and become more overtly political. Authorities have used gunfire and tear gas against demonstrators, have begun to restrict their movements, and have imposed a curfew from 6 p.m. to 6 a.m. The government has banned gatherings of more than five people. The situation remains fluid and an even harsher military reaction could occur at any time, particularly if the protests continue.

"We wish to remind U.S. citizens that even demonstrations intended to be peaceful can turn confrontational and possibly escalate into violence. U.S. citizens are therefore urged to avoid areas of demonstrations and to exercise caution within the vicinity of any demonstrations. U.S. citizens should defer non-essential travel to Burma at this time. Given the fluidity of the current situation, the Department of State advises all U.S. citizens in Burma to monitor events closely, to exercise discretion when moving about, and to avoid any large public gatherings, any visible military presence, and any area cordoned off by security forces."

By the way, a reader insists the name of the country should be Myanmar, and I say it's Burma and the hell with it. The military thugs who changed the name from Burma don't get the benefit of a thumb-sucking copy desk colloquy in this space.

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Hey, 1 Out of 3 Is Batting .333 In Baseball

The Times today has a story about a list of new questions in the civics test for qualification for citizenship.

Here are the three sample questions the report gave:

1. What was one important thing that Abraham Lincoln did?

2. What does the president's cabinet do?

3. What stops one branch of government from becoming too powerful?

I got Number 1 right, but answered "Nothing" to both Number 2 and Number 3, which apparently are incorrect answers, at least according to the credulous Citizenship and Immigration Services.

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But...But There Will ALWAYS Be an Alabama

Quote of the day from the morning news:

"If Huntsville is in the blast zone, there is nothing we can do."

Your Homeland Security tax dollars at work.

For more fallout shelter fun ...

Is Dan Rather on the Discovery Channel?

It's my contention that war is the oldest and of course most extreme form of business travel. My first international business trip, then, was to Saigon in early 1968, courtesy of Uncle Sam.

It's always stuck in my craw that George Bush, the "Bring it on" warrior, managed to dodge Vietnam service thanks to the intervention of Daddy's pals -- and then even managed to be AWOL from a portion of his cushy stateside duty in the National Guard.

The fact that he did so without evident consequence, and now struts around posing as some sort of military patriot, is as irksome to me as the fact that his vice president, the deputy great warrior, got himself five draft deferments during the Vietnam era (saying he had "other priorities"), when other men of the generation were either doing their duty or taking principled stands against the war.

Bush and Cheney did neither. But man, do they flash those cheap flag pins as if someone had pinned Bronze Stars on their lapels.

And man, do they like to return salutes. Ever notice how Bush has the snappy salute down just right?

Can you imagine what Eisenhower would have thought of those two birds?

Anyway, now comes the matter of Dan Rather, suing his former employers at CBS News over the ruination of his career that followed the partially botched but nevertheless essentially accurate report on Bush's time being AWOL.

As a reporter, I've always liked old Dan. He's just tough and screwy enough to remind me of the days when the business was a barrel of laughs, but when its practitioners also believed they served an honest purpose other than making the numbers for Viacom's (or Gannett's) next quarterly report.

Some journalistic sad sacks clinging to their pathetic peerages within the ancien regime are having a good hoot at Rather's supposed folly and self-delusion.

But I doubt the suits are yukking it up all that much in the dark warrens of Viacom and CBS News. Dan Rather, who's pretty rich himself, says this isn't about the money, it's about the principle of the thing. (Incidentally, reversing the recent stand by the gene-pool-deleted Bancroft family of Dow Jones, who showed that it wasn't about the principle of the thing, it was about the money).

My guess is, Dan isn't looking to settle for a tidy sum and with a promise to keep his mouth shut while the papers get sealed and filed away.

If that's the case, the complaint moves into the pre-trial process, when the word they fear most at CBS News and its master Viacom will be: Discovery -- and it has nothing to do with the television network of the same name.

I think Sydney Blumenthal has it just right in Salon today. And the weekly New York Observer also has been seeing this clearly. Cue the orchestra for a little travelin' music. If the Rather complaint isn't summarily dismissed by a judge, and that's unlikely, CBS News is going for a ride.

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Brazil: The Empty Skies

Why pilots of two aircraft on a collision course at 37,000 feet wouldn't necessarily see the other plane, explained by a commercial airline pilot. On my Brazil blog.

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Effete Eastern Elite Liberal College Hands Iran Nitwit His Butt in a Basket

Two words on today's best news story:

Go Columbia.

And oh, shame on the Great Satan, the Columbia reception has caused the Iranian government to become all upset.

I also liked the New York Post headline: "Little Man on Campus."

***

More from the morning news:

--Am delighted to see that the vastly underappreciated Fifth Stooge, Stumpy, is returning to show business...

--I love it when editors of lame local newspapers that no longer actually make the effort to cover the news get into these sad, hand-wringing winge sessions over some friggin' comic strip. These editors love to throw around the term "family newspaper," as if Mom, Dad, Johnny and Susie still sprawl around the living room on Sundays with the funnies.

Various unhappy people have denounced the funnies since the Yellow Kid first came out.

And one thing I've learned when some local editor uses the term "family newspaper." It's always because he or she is deeply, deeply afraid of some reader being unhappy.

Hey Skippy: There's always going to be someone trying to intimidate you. Editors used to be able to take a little heat from sad sacks who have nothing better to do than worry about the comics.

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Dead Mimes and Lame Excuses

(Right: And his last words were: " _________")

(Left): A newspaper lady explains that it was deadlines, not pusillanimity, that caused it to downplay a big anti-war rally in Washington and up-play a small pro-war one. Nothing to do with being afraid to report it honestly. Really. No, it was all about deadlines and how hard it is to count a crowd. Honestly.

The Man in the Outfit, He Ain't No Cowboy

Top is George Bush in characteristic cowboy pose. Left is Nicolas Sarkozy, the publicity-savvy city-slicker French president, whose supporters sometimes referred to him as the "man on the white horse" during his campaign.

As I have said here before, that ain't no horse Sarkozy is on. It is a pony. And Cowboy Nic -- as is clear in the video from which this still is taken (sorry, no link available) -- is barely able to stay mounted at a slow canter, and yanks on the poor pony's mouth to boot.

Still, at least M. Sarkozy isn't afraid to get on a pony, even if it's little more than the bravado a kid would show if his parents arranged for pony rides at his 8th birthday party.

President George Bush likes to style himself as a cowboy. He has the hat and the fancy boots and the belt and that gol-durn Texas twang. We see by his outfit that he wants to be a cowboy.

But as has also been said here before, the man can't ride a horse, which is the absolutely first thing that a real cowboy, by definition, must do. He is afraid of horses. He rides a bike instead.

We have word from the former Mexican president, Vincente Fox, who once tried to get Cowboy George on a horse during a visit. Bush is a "windshield cowboy" who's afraid of horses, Fox says in his new book.

Incidentally, can we please stop referring derisively to things like "cowboy diplomacy" or snorting about "cowboys" like Bush.

According to Gene Autry's code, that man ain't no cowboy.

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But I Don't Want to Fly With Edna!

There are some fights I'm simply not going to get into lightly, and one of them is the it's-on-dude brawl between the commercial airline industry and the business-aviation industry.

But I do need to say something about Edna, the fictitious star of a new ad campaign by the Air Transport Association (ATA), the trade group for commercial airlines. That's Edna above, with the affable Jim May, the president of the trade group. Here's the annoying ad.

Edna supposedly represents those of us who do not fly business jets (I very infrequently get to ride on a demo flight. But the last business jet I flew on crashed over the Amazon a year ago, though through no fault of the pilots).

Anyway, The ATA is clearly quite pleased with this giggly nitwit Edna, whose message is "Tell Congress to stop making Edna ... subsidize corporate jets!" and "Edna likes wearing big wigs, not subsidizing them!"

Edna, to my mind, evokes the notion that Americans keep getting dumber.

It amazes me that domestic airlines -- whose major customers are business travelers -- would use this kind of intelligence-insulting advertising to address a serious aviation issue that most business travelers have genuine interest in.

I hate to say it, but to my mind, Edna represents exactly what the airlines think of us. They think we're giddy and stupid, like Edna, who says things like "Fiddlesticks!"

Hey Edna: fiddle this, as they would say on my old block.

As a business traveler, I don't want to be flying with Edna. Edna (and no offense to the actress who plays her) is who the airlines think we are. I'm pretty sure you could sell Edna on a Nigerian lottery deal, or at least a sub-prime mortgage. You could certainly sell her on a virtually worthless paper voucher for a canceled flight.

Here, by the way, is what it's like to be on a stranded flight (and there have been literally thousands of them this year).

No wonder those who can are taking the business-jet express. Jayzus, I crashed in the Amazon, but at least I didn't have to put up with Edna in the jungle.

Here's the ATA position on the matter of aviation funding, currently under review in Congress.

And here is the position of the National Business Aviation Association, in Congressional testimony by Ed Bolen, the president of the National Business Aviation Association, which will have its annual convention next week in Atlanta.

Edna ain't coming.

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Warning: Do Not Try This Anywhere But Home

I'm always amazed at the creative energy flashing around the Internet.

I love this one, which is currently making the rounds, but I wouldn't actually try it on a plane or a train, assuming you actually had a wireless connection going. {Later update: What was I thinking. Obviously, all you have to do it right click the link and you have it without the live connection, as several readers noted}

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train.
Follow these instructions:

Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.
Remove your laptop.
Start up.
Make sure the guy who is annoying you, can see the screen.
Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.
Then hit this link:

Click here: http://boortz.com/mp3/archive/countdown.swf

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Southwest Sharia: Air Taliban 'Apologizes,' Then Insults Menopausal Women

(Right: bumper sticker)


On the happy-talk Web site of Southwest Airlines there now appears the following apology, of sorts, to Kyla Ebbert, the college student who was humiliated by a Southwest Airlines fashion cop named Keith who made a scene about her "inappropriate" outfit, which Southwest's sniggering flacks have reduced to "her now infamous mini-skirt." (See my posts starting Sept. 7):

"DALLAS, Sept. 14 /PRNewswire-FirstCall/ -- In classic Southwest Airlines flair, CEO Gary Kelly today made a public apology to one of its Customers whose trip several months ago has become the subject of recent television and newspaper commentary. Company President Colleen Barrett has reached out to the Customer directly, and Kelly issued Kyla Ebbert an apology and invitation to again fly on Southwest as she taped a television show.

"From a Company who really loves PR, touche to you Kyla! Some have said we've gone from wearing our famous hot pants to having hot flashes at Southwest, but nothing could be further from the truth. As we both know, this story has great legs, but the true issue here is that you are a valued Customer, and you did not get an adequate apology. Kyla, we could have handled this better, and on behalf of Southwest Airlines, I am truly sorry. We hope you continue to fly Southwest Airlines. Our Company is based on freedom even if our actions may have not appeared that way. It was never our intention to treat you unfairly and again, we apologize."

Kelly took an additional step and is sharing his direct comments about the incident by recording ads for national radio. Those comments detail a national fare sale launched today featuring "mini-skirt" fares."

{MY COMMENT -- Three things:

1. Southwest offered Ms. Ebbert two free tickets in its backhanded apology. (Yeah, and second prize is FOUR free tickets). Just a day before the airline was forced to back down on Friday, its CEO, Gary Kelly, had said an apology wouldn't be forthcoming. "I just can't do that to the customer-service supe [supervisor]. He handled the situation discreetly and with patience and he did not deny her boarding," Kelly said, giving Keith the Fashion Cop the old Attaboy.

2. On its Web site with the giddy announcement about the "apology"/fare sale, a Southwest executive refers customers to the comments section, in which the following words, among others, are used by some readers to describe Ms. Ebbert: "Skank." .. "Harlot" .. "Slutty." Also, one comment on the Southwest site suggests that if women in miniskirts are allowed to fly, Southwest should supply "Lysol and alcohol wipes" in every row of seats.

3. Also, note how the happy-talk folks at Southwest, in sort of apologizing to young Ms. Ebbert and linking it to a fare sale, have in the process insulted menopausal women -- equating bad treatment of young women with "having hot flashes." I don't think Keith the Fashion Cop's problem, and Southwest's refusal to apologize till finally forced to do so by public ridicule, was a consequence of middle-aged "hot flashes." In fact, the airline seems to be equating poor corporate behavior with female middle-age. And by the way, what's with that scary Teutonic capitalizing of common nouns like company and customer?}

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Southwest Sharia: Air Taliban Strikes Again

A Southwest Airlines flight attendant made a 21-year-old woman cover herself with a blanket because the flight attendant complained that her halter dress was too skimpy when she boarded a flight. The report on KNBC-TV in Los Angeles is the second in the last week about young women being humiliated by Southwest because their clothing was deemed inappropriate. (See my post of Sept. 9.)

The woman, Setara Qassim, told KNBC-TV that on a flight home to Burbank from Las Vegas a flight attendant told her to put a sweater on because she didn't like her outfit . The temperature was over 100 degrees. “Why would I pack a sweater in the heat?” Ms. Qassim asked (risking, in my opinion, being hauled down to Guantanamo for possible seditious interference with a flight crew not to mention violation of Southwest Sharia.)

So she had to wrap a blanket around herself to be able to fly.

That report follows one last week about a 23-year-old college student, Kyla Ebbert, who was humiliated by a male agent named Keith on a Southwest plane in San Diego because, Snippy the Fashion Cop said, her clothing was inappropriate. What was inappropriate, she asked. “All of it,” Snippy the Fashion Cop said.

Southwest, many people might recall, is an airline that once made its strewardesses dress in hot pants and boots.

Leave it to the Associated Press, by the way, to find the most precious possible perch from which to scold. The A.P. story on Ms. Qassim’s encounter quotes one “Lynda White, who teaches etiquette classes and calls herself "The First Lady of Manners." The A.P .reports that this worthy feels that “young people have gotten lax on what to wear and how to act -- possibly influenced by Hollywood stars. She recommends 'business-casual' outfits for the plane because you might be seated next to a potential employer or business contact. If you wear provocative clothing, tattoos, or you smell of alcohol or cigarettes, who's going to believe you?" she said.

Hey A.P., as they would have said on my old block, “Tattoo this!”

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R.I.P. Alex: Parrot and Road Warrior

R.I.P. Alex the Parrot, dead at 31.

And I do mean rest in peace, little fella. Because it seems to me that that magnificent critter spent a lot of his short life (African gray parrots often live 60 years or more) being studied, importuned, drilled and displayed on behalf of parrot research.

Alex, it seemed to me, led a stressful life. I mean, the poor guy was probably on the road more than I am.

You know about Alex , the world's most famous parrot.

On the Alex Foundation Web site today, at the page for ordering Alex merchandise like coffee cups and tote bags, I am sad to see the bird's death obliquely referred to as "the events of Sept. 7." Come on, Alex Foundation. Alex himself could have come up with better words to convey the simple fact that he died on Sept. 7.

Irene Pepperberg, the scientist who owned and trained Alex and who runs the Alex Foundation, said he was a very hard worker. "Someone was working with him 8 to 12 hours every day of his life," she told the Boston Globe after the bird died.

Yes, Alex was amazing in the way he could comprehend number sequences and figure out patterns. Anyone who says Alex wasn't exhibiting cognitive skills wasn't paying attention. You didn't need psychologists with clipboards to prove that Alex spoke a language, though of course one of the values of the research is to document the cognitive abilities of a parrot rather than just assert them anecdotally.

Alex knew more than 100 words -- but lots of African gray parrots know that many and more.

As I write this, our four-year-old African gray, Rosie, is downstairs singing her favorite song, which my wife and I taught her after she began repeating "Rosie is a goofy bird." It goes [to the tune of Tra Ra Ra BOOM dee Yay]:

"Rosie is a goofy bird,
Petey is a goofy bird,
Nancy is a goofy bird,
Joesharkey is a goofy bird;

Tra ra ra BOOM dee yay!"

(et cetera)

Petey is our big blue-and-gold macaw, who speaks about 15 words to Rosie's vocabulary of well over 100. Nancy is my wife. When not singing, Rosie refers to me as "Joesharkey -- BEEP," evidently because she loves to imitate the message on my business-phone answering machine and thinks my name is one word.

Neither Rosie nor Petey perform reliably on cue, by the way. Parrots who are not kept hungry tend not to do a great big song and dance to get a treat. They do the song and dance when they feel like it. Put a camera and a light in Rosie's face and she'll be as mum as a pigeon till she feels like making an observation, if at all.

Ours also are not long-distance travelers, though they like an occasional ride in the car. They are not what you would call hard workers. A mere trip to the vet gets our birds so worn out they sleep in exhaustion for extra hours, besides the 12 hours of shut-eye they normally get in a 24-hour period. God knows what constant trips to television stations and seminars would do to them.

Alex was just more of a road warrior than most parrots.

Anyone who has or knows an African gray loves to tell parrot stories.

Our friend Mark Delaney, who owns a parrot store in Red Bank, N.J. , won't sell a bird to someone he hasn't vetted for the potential for parrotsmanship. It takes a couple of visits, as a rule, to pass muster. Those who come in on a whim, say after watching Alex perform on television, are encouraged to give a lot of thought to what owning a parrot entails.

Mark has a lot of parrots, among them an African gray named Bubba. Some time ago, in another location, Mark had been grumbling with friends about a chronic problem with a squirrel skittering on his shop's roof. Bubba evidently liked the sound of the word "squirrel" (especially when uttered in the context of "commotion" or "drama," all of which parrots love).

Soon, Bubba began saying the following:

"Bubba is a squirrel."

And Mark would say, "No, Bubba is a bird."

And the bird would insist, "Bubba is a squirrel."

This went on for several weeks until one day Bubba compromised and said:

"Bubba is a squird."

Alex isn't the only parrot who seemed to speak a language, rather than to just repeat words, and to exhibit a sense of humorous word-play.

In our house, Rosie loves to talk. "See ya later," she says when I head up the stairs. "It's raining," she says when it rains. "Petey, do I have to jug you for screaming?" she tells the macaw when he screams too much, repeating what we say to him. (An inappropriate screaming session gets the macaw a 5-minute time-out in a quiet room, where he mutters to himself).

Rosie also sings and whistles and makes weird outer-space noises that we sincerely hope she picked up from a television cartoon, as she didn't get them from us.

She likes anything with a catchy beat. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-Bird-Bird-Bird, Bird Is the Word" is a favorite. She loves show-tunes (she's partial to "Ohio" ["Why O Why O Why O; Why Did I Ever Leave Ohio?"] from "Wonderful Town," but she also whistles "Many a Fine Day" from "Oklahoma," with approximate key changes and vibrato embellishments). She does part of the coloratura aria, "Poor Wandering One," from "Pirates of Penzance." (The professional operatic version, not that musically awful Joe Papp/Linda Ronstadt version). Actually, she does just the high notes, but she hits the triplets dead-on.

Last year, before our nephew graduated from the Naval Academy, we taught her to sing "Anchors Aweigh," but she liked the "Hey! Hey! Hey!" part so much that by graduation day she had shortened the verse down to just "Anchors Aweigh My Birds -- Hey! Hey! Hey!"

And yes, she changed "my boys" to "my birds" on her own, without prompting, which sounds like language to me.

An appreciation of parrots in general comes with the Mark Delaney advisory:

Parrots are intensely loyal creatures who bond deeply with owners and are bereft if that bond is broken, so an owner has a long-term responsibility to commit to a parrot. Parrots are sloppy and noisy and can be demanding and temperamental. They can bite, especially when alarmed. They can't be left alone for long periods of time like cats. They crave attention. They thrive on drama. They chew wood, including furniture. Like the perpetual three-year-olds that they are, they repeat things you'd just as soon they not repeat.

One does not undertake parrot ownership lightly and without an ethical commitment to the bird. We're already grooming a grandson, 3, to inherit our two birds, who adore him.

When either my wife or I are away on a business trip, the traveler has to call home at night and talk to the birds on the speaker-phone. If you're sitting next to me in an airport departure gate and hear me saying into my cell-phone "I love you, Petey-bird" -- please know that I'm addressing a parrot. I didn't actually name a kid Petey-bird or Rosie-bird, like Lyndon Johnson might have.

I have to go. Rosie is downstairs shrieking "Help me! Help me!" -- which she picked up from some television cartoon that I let her watch. Petey is yelling one of the few phrases he knows: "Come on back!" -- and I don't want the neighbors to call 911.

Adios, little Alex.

Or as Petey likes to sometimes shriek maniacally: "Bye bye!!!! Bye bye!!!"

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Brazil Crash: The CPI Report

[Left, the Amazon crash site where the Gol 737 went down with 154 aboard. Right, the damaged business jet after its emergency landing last Sept. 29 at an Amazon air strip.]



Here (and also on my Brazil blog) is a link to the 170-page report by the Parliamentary Commission of Inquiry in Brazil on the Sept. 29 crash and the ensuing crisis in Brazilian aviation. The English translation is by Richard Pedicini, in Sao Paulo, who has been kindly translating for this blog since last November. Mr. Pedicini's Translator's Notes indicate where Brazilian authorities made errors of fact in the investigation and in their summary report, and where the Portuguese translation of English-language cockpit recordings of the two American pilots was imprecise or, in a few cases, inaccurate.

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Airline PR 101: Humiliate the Customer

Here is the wicked woman and her sinful outfit. (Photo from the San Diego Union-Tribune)

MJD.

My jaw dropped.

Rather than apologizing for the actions of a nitwit customer-service agent/Taliban-trainee named Keith, Southwest Airlines appears to be piling on Kyla Ebbert, the 23-year-old the college student (and okay, let's get it over with: part-time Hooters waitress) who was humiliated on a Southwest Airlines airplane in San Diego by snippy Keith, who tried to throw her off because she was dressed inappropriately.

Keith made a public scene on the airplane to show his disapproval of her attire. "All of it," Keith the Fashion Cop replied when Ms. Ebbert asked what exactly was inappropriate.

(In the picture above, from the San Diego Union-Tribune, which first wrote about Ms. Ebbert's story, she is wearing the same outfit that gave poor delicate Keith the vapors).

Please see my previous post for a summary of the story.

On Friday, Ms. Ebbert appeared, wearing the infamous outfit, on the Today Show. A practically drooling, though sympathetic, Matt Lauer made a big point of having her stand to display her outfit and then sit down again on the couch -- as the camera was focused straight at her.

Oops! Viewers saw London, viewers saw France, viewers saw a flash of underpants before the poor young woman managed to cross her legs while the camera, and Today's millions of viewers, leeringly lingered on her.

Southwest Airlines, which maintains a happy-news "blog" by and for its happy employees on its happy Web site, made gleeful note of that, and piled on this woman, in my opinion.

Read it for yourself. Here is Brian Lusk, Southwest's manager of corporate communication, giddily linking to another smirky blog on the embarrassing MSNCB's Web site.

"You might be interested in the perspective of one of the show's producers, Dan Fleschner," chuckled the Southwest flack, helpfully supplying the links.

Flack Lusk (Sweet sufferin' Jayzus, the name becomes "LUST" if you change that K to a T!) is smirking because Today's cameras lingered on the woman's legs as she sat down on the couch -- thus proving that the shocking hussy deserved to be kicked off an airplane. [I have sat on that couch, by the way. It ain't comfortable even in a men's suit.]

In turn, MSNBC's Fleschner (on TV talk and morning shows, "producer" is usually defined as the personage who makes all those phone calls to line up people to come on the show) himself is all aflutter.

"She flashed our national audience," he reported breathlessly on Friday. "As we learned this morning, that skirt was indeed really short." Helpfully, MSNBC provided the video link to the Today Show segment to further embarrass Ms. Ebbert. (And yes, he used the word "indeed." In 2007.)

Hey, flash this, as Fleschner would have been told on my old block -- before the young woman's big brother pushed him down some steps prior to (indeed) resuming the conversation.

And hey, grow up, Southwest Airlines. And put a harness on Keith the Fashion Cop before he strikes again. And trust me, he will. Who died and appointed this Keith the arbiter of what you or I or our daughters or sons can wear? Have you seen the way some slobs dress on planes?

By the way, on an airplane Ms. Ebbert would not have been taking a seat on a couch on a stage with a camera focused full-body on her, as was the case on the Today Show. And also, a camera-shot is called by a director in a control room. It isn't accidental, and the problem presented in this instance occurs routinely on television talk shows, and is anticipated by directors.

In this case, my hunch is, the camera shot was deliberate. If they had tried the same stunt with a rich movie actress flogging a movie there would be hell to pay at 30 Rock.

Hey Today Show: Stop taking pictures up womens' skirts and posting them on skeezy MSNBC.com! They're trying to pass a law against that kind of thing in New York City, by the way.

This piling-on, this sniggering virtual assault, on a 23-year-old woman who did nothing wrong except try to board a plane without being harassed is odious.

I am sure Ms. Ebbert can take care of herself (plus I did notice that she was accompanied by both her mother and a lawyer on the Today Show). But being publicly ambushed by an airline and a television network Web site has to be troublesome. Imagine the cretins who are already e-mailing her and finding her phone number.

(You think I'm kidding? Just scroll through some of the nasty comments from the mouth-breathers on the MSNBC blog that Southwest is so eager to refer its customers to).

A sample: "... so what if a trash young girl and her mom's feelings were hurt, so what???"

MSNBC and Southwest Airlines are okay with calling someone "trash?"

Southwest Airlines should be ashamed of itself. An apology to the customer is the required response, not smirky ridicule.

And Lusk the Flack should be frog-walked out front to make a separate personal apology to Ms. Ebbert -- and to Southwest's other customers. Especially the female customers, who know damn well what this is all about.

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Keith Explains It All For You

At right is Kyla Ebbert, who was accosted and lectured, by a Southwest Airlines "customer service" attendant named Keith, for being inappropriately dressed for a flight. Here's the outfit she was busted for on a flight boarding in San Diego for Tucson. Photo by the San Diego Union-Tribune.

Not being excessively well-informed on the nuances of fashion (when that big fat 47-pound fashion magazine arrives in my Sunday paper, it immediately goes plop unread into the recycling, along with the startlingly unfunny Funny Pages), I'm always amazed by the world of fashion and the self-important dweebs who populate it.

Just yesterday, I was walking through Bryant Park in midtown Manhattan, early for an appointment and looking forward to sitting on a bench in the sun to flip through my free copy of the New York Post. They're now handing that poor sad paper out free on the street corners even by lunchtime, I might add. Used to be before 4 p.m. you'd have to pay a quarter.

Anyway, there were no places to sit. The damned Fashion Week festival was upon us again, like flu season, and the open-lawn beauty of Bryant Park was obliterated by those big white tents set up for the fall fashion shows. All over Bryant Park, which usually draws a pleasant crowd of regular people, were those invincibly smug nitwits from the fabulous fashion world, bustling here and there, air-kissing like the world was ending, while the rest of us, unable to find a bench to read the damned New York Post, wished only that they'd go back with their precious passes and tote bags to their one-bedroom apartmments in Park Slope whence they came.

I did see one young woman from the industry who had on a tight tee-shirt that had these words: "Please Don't Feed the Models." That was worth the trip, since I had never heard the wisecrack before, but my wife informed when I recounted this at breakfast this morning that "Please Don't Feed the Models" is an old Fashion Week tee-shirt gag. "It's sooooo 2005," she said while hand-feeding Cream of Wheat to our African gray parrot.

But I digress.

Here is the column, by Gerry Braun in the San Diego Union-Tribune, about the snippy Southwest Airlines busybody who is enforcing his own dress codes. (Astonishingly, Southwest also appears to be defending the clearly indefensible.)

This occurred in San Diego, on a flight to Tucson, my adopted second city. Nobody in beautiful, laid-back Tucson enforces fashion codes, by the way. That would explain why I happen to own three cowboy hats.

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Airline Problems: An Angry God; The Goats Are Smote

Cute little goat: The greatest sacrifice?

Frustrated by a recurring technical problem that mechanics couldn't fix on its Boeing 757 aircraft, Nepal Airlines sacrificed two goats "so that all would be well with its aircraft," according to the Kantipur Daily, Nepal's main newspaper.

The airplane kept having flight problems "despite its engineering department's untiring efforts," the newspaper reported.

Finally, the airline's engineering chief, PSB Kansakar, "found the root cause of the problem in his dream last night: God was angry, as the corporation had not appeased him by sacrificing goats."

According to the newspaper, the goats were slaughtered, I mean sacrificed, Sunday afternoon at the Nepal Airlines hanger at Tribhuvan International Airport. Top executives of the airlines "were present to offer worship and goat blood to the deity," the newspaper said.

Though the unfortunate goats joined the Choir Invisible in the effort, the problem was not resolved by Sunday night, when a departing flight had to return to the airport with the same technical problems.

A photographer for Kantipur Publications was arrested and later fined "after taking photos of the sacrifice," the newspaper reported.

Ok, ok, let's get it out of our system, shall we. Don't Let the Airlines Get Your Goat ... Goat F--- in Nepal ... Airline Kills 2 Kids ...

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Brazil's Skies: 'Unreliable, Unsafe and Inefficient'

Brazil's skies are "unreliable, unsafe and inefficient," according to a new report by the International Air Transport Association, which represents most of the world's airlines.

See my Brazil blog.

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The Morning News...Who Knew?

From the morning news...

--Airport men's rooms: who knew about this foot-tapping business? Next time you're in a men's room stall with a bouncy 2/4 tune, maybe a Sousa march, going through your head -- well, just watch that foot-tapping, pal. On the other hand, soon-to-be-ex-Senator (Family Values) Craig did plead guilty almost two weeks after he was arrested, which would seem to be sufficient time for reflection on the ramifications of being busted for engaging in lewd behavior in public, rather than humming "The Stars and Stripes Forever." (Play it!) Senator Craig blamed the nattering nabobs of negativism in his local newspaper, the Idaho Statesman, for giving him so much stress that he was forced to solicit sex in a men's room. Repeatedly, so it seems. By the way, nice going at the Idaho Statesman. It's good to see a local newspaper that still knows how to do serious reporting. It's a newspaper owned by the McClatchy chain, in case you were wondering. [Don't miss Jackie and Dunlap's colloquy on the topic on Red State Update.]

--Mother Teresa and Princess Diana (or "Diana, Princess of Wales" as the preternaturally prissy insist on saying) : So sue me, but in my book the two of them were narcissistic wack-jobs. Please spare me the hand-wringing over Mother Teresa's newly reported crisis of faith. Better she should have had a crisis of conscience for her own behavior, such as hanging out with crooked dictators and wickedly exploiting the poor and sick as a propaganda tool for advancing extreme fundamentalist religion while posing (with great success) as a holy person. As to Princess Diana ("Diana, the Princess of Wales"), she was the only person in the world who ever made me feel sympathy toward Prince Charles. Spare me the supermarket floral bouquets. Sorry she died while carrying on with a slimy playboy in Paris 10 years ago, leaving two children. That was very sad -- but let's put a lid on the endless weeping and gnashing of teeth. Shoot arrows through me.

-- I know It's the Week Before Labor Day and Everybody's Phoning It In: But Sweet Jayzus, what is this guy on about?

--And finally, a note that arrived in the e-mail this morning from a pilot, forced into retirement, per regulation, at the absurdly young age of 60:

"My Funeral Flight (by Capt Keith McCormick)

I recently completed my last flight as pilot-in-command of a United Airlines B-747 from Sydney, Australia to the San Francisco International Airport. I was the senior pilot at United Airlines, with 38 years in the cockpit, and required to retire after this flight because of the FAA Age 60 rule applicable to all United States Air Transport Pilots flying for U.S. carriers. Since November 23, 2006, pilots of foreign carriers, even U.S. pilots working for foreign carriers, are allowed to fly in/out of the U.S. until Age 65. However, U.S. citizens are not allowed to command a U.S. carrier aircraft beyond age 60, period. Age 60 is the "new age 40" we are told, but not the eyes of the FAA or Congress if you are a U.S. citizen.

It's been a long journey, this airline life. At age 10, as I bumped down a grassy farm runway on my first airplane ride, courtesy of Dave Reece in New Providence, Iowa, and I was immediately hooked on flying. I even helped push the big red airplane back into the hangar behind his barn. At 13, I made an application to be a pilot for Braniff Airways. Braniff quietly responded I should get an education, preferably a college degree in Engineering. As I was taking flying lessons all through high school, some of the strongest memories I have are the smells: gasoline, grass, pilots smoking in the small airport shack, walking along the railroad track from town to the small airport, strolling down the grass runway when it was too windy to fly. By the time I was 14, I could identify, by the sound of the engine, the type of airplane flying over my bedroom at night. By soloing on my 16th birthday, teaching college students to fly during college, I graduated with an Aerospace Engineering degree in three years of college with enough flying time to possibly get on hired by an airline.

Hired by United Airlines in 1969 at age 22, it's been an interesting ride. Furloughs, mergers, failures, consolidations, recessions, the 1970s oil crisis, blizzards, war, airline crashes, controller strikes, airline strikes, ESOPs, 9-11, SARS, deregulation, thunderstorms, marriage, three children, international expansion and incessant safety training; the airline scarcely looks like the airline I knew when propeller airplanes were old and I was young. The bankruptcy of United changed the paradigm by enormous proportions. At age 60, even though holding a renewed First Class medical certificate in my hand and the FAA announcement the Age 60 Rule is no longer justified on safety grounds, I can no longer fly for United Airlines under current FAA regulations even though 96% of the foreign airline pilots fly to age 65, including flights into and out of the United States.

Time for my last flight, now. What is this painful feeling I have? I get up, get dressed, head for the airport, and go through the motions of flight preparation. But I am empty inside. I dread this; this part of my life ending that has been so big, so rewarding, so"".. me. My mother and father died in that small Iowa town ten and twenty years ago, respectfully. Now, I find that I have that same feeling on this final day of flying for United. It is like waiting for my parents' funerals to be held. The viewing at the funeral home and meeting friends and family to grieve our loss was bad enough. The dread of the approaching funeral at the church was worse. Daybreak on the funeral day inevitably was to come; the clock just kept ticking and would not stop. You cannot stop it. My mind was numb and I was not feeling anything. I was just going through the motions. Just thinking of the dreaded change in my life about to come because my parent(s) are no longer here to talk with me, always willing to help, and always THERE. My wife sits with me and is silent; what can she say to make them come back, to make this not my last flight? Mercifully, the funerals came and we returned home to contemplate our loss. Mercifully, this last flight, my funeral flight, will end too. The people around us are laughing, talking and carrying on without any recognition of what's happening in our life. Life goes on all around us even though I feel I am dying inside.

The purser flight attendant gives me a black cardboard box containing chocolate and a well wishing card signed by the entire fifteen member cabin crew. How sweet. We agree NOT to tell the 350 passengers this is my last flight on the 7800 mile route back to San Francisco. Such an event would burden me with saying goodbye at the aircraft door three hundred fifty times. I couldn't take that. "You don't look 60, you look like you are 40" is mentioned over and over. Graciously, I nod and thank the speakers.

The Chapter 11 bankruptcy was meant to "save" United Airlines. Labor and management resolved to "share sacrifices" and save the company for future generations. UAL pensions were handed over to the PBGC early in 2005 and United survived. Twenty five months before my retirement, my planned pension was reduced to just 18% of the pre-bankruptcy amount. Now, my pension from the PBGC totals just 12% of my pre-retirement annual pay. Substantial health insurance and income tax are deducted from the PBGC payments, further reducing the amount received, and the PBGC payments have no COLA provisions as health care and taxes go up per schedule and inflation. Fifteen years from now, with modest inflation, my monthly pension will barely pay the electric bill. Although I am required to retire at age 60 by Federal regulations, I am unable to collect Social Security until almost age 67. There is no exception for impact of Federal rules from differing agencies. Can anybody live on that? The United Airlines CEO received over 100 million dollars post bankruptcy and I receive 18% of planned retirement - some shared sacrifice.

After the final landing in SFO, the three First Officers each shake my hand and say "Good Luck". They know. None of them offer congratulations. It would be inappropriate. We haven't talked about it, but they know. They each have a chance to save for their retirement because the law will change for them, but not for me. They each have between 15 and 25 years to plan for retirement, accumulate savings through tax favored policies, and make family decisions. Two and 1/2 years was not enough time for me to make any substantial recovery or effective savings plan to cover the enormous pension loss. Nobody can change it. I will never recover the lost 72% of my pension.

Virtually all pilots I have recently flown with in my cockpit will fly to age 65, except me, under proposed FAA regulation changes. "it's just going to take time to change the rule," the FAA says. The FAA denied my request for an exemption to bridge age 60 termination and the pending rule change to age 65, perhaps by only a month or two in my case. A friend of mine, a UAL pilot having just completed his last flight before his 60th birthday, committed suicide in front of a fire station in Denver on the last day in June, just one day before his forced retirement from United and one day before his company paid life insurance would terminate (another bankruptcy concession). The location was chosen because he didn't want to make a mess at home, we are told. Several other pilots have similarly taken their lives after forced retirement, some from United, but no one wants to talk about them.

I am gone now ... that love of flying is not a part of my life anymore. I wonder how many other people have experienced this feeling. Amputees? Widows and widowers? Divorcees? Bankruptcies? Farmers? I notice how life continues around me, like after those funerals I can never forget. Passengers fly, couples laugh with their families and friends, incessant news programs on the television report on hurricanes, crimes, Middle East fighting, weather, and Congress goes on vacation rather than vote on Age65. Life goes on. There were legislative bills before the Senate and House in July 2007 to change the Age 60 rule to Age 65, but Congress didn't think it important enough to save the few of us caught "in-between". The law will change soon enough to capture most of the pilots still flying and allow them to continue to do so. News reports, put out by press releases from industry and unions, say the laws are going to change; but not in time for us. The 2,000-5,000 pilots turning age 60 between November 23, 2006 and effective date of the new law will be lost. This an acceptable loss and we apparently do not count? The outgoing FAA Administrator thinks so. My once strong and proud union, the Air Line Pilots Association supports the change but is clearly dragging their feet. Further delay of the new law benefits the younger pilots, now a majority of ALPA members, who vocally want us out of their way. PAC money is spent by ALPA to delay the new rule with further "consideration". My airline employer refused to help the older pilots by requesting exemptions from the FAA or offering alternative interim employment awaiting the law change. My funeral flight is at an end. Happy Labor Day 2007. Not all can celebrate.

(Captain McCormick retired from United Airlines, after 38 years in UAL's cockpits on numerous aircraft, because of the Age 60 rule. Captain McCormick resides in Florida with his wife, and is currently looking for employment.)"

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Hot Enough For You?

As a hot-weather nut, I'm always sorry to see the end of August, with the sun thinning and those trillion or so green leaves on the trees in front and back just glowering at me with menace, threatening to die and pile up on the ground like organic slag-heaps.

Heck, I start mourning the passing of summer at the end of July. And in the Northeast, summer has been no great shakes anyway. Pity the poor souls who spent large sums of money to get away to the shore, given more than a week of temperatures in August that barely got into the 60s, with a sun that barely peeked out from clouds.

Usually, as hot-weather nuts, my wife and I spend part of the summer (and winter, too) in southern Arizona. For various reasons, we didn't this year. But it's interesting to note that it was hot. Very hot. In Phoenix, the temperature has hit 110 or above on 29 days this summer, a record. (Please excuse the link to the local newspaper that infantalizes and anthropomorphizes even the weather: "We did it!" Gannett, of course).

Anyway, a cooling trend is coming.

Above, for Arizonans and others who like the desert, a reminder of what it looked like in Tucson when I got up one morning just seven months ago, on Jan. 22 -- the first snowfall in a generation. By 1 p.m., however, all traces of the snow were gone and the temperature was in the 70s.

Strange weather we're having.

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Brazil Demands Pilots Return

A Brazilian court is demanding that American pilots Joe Lepore (l) and Jan Paladino return to Brazil for criminal proceedings on charges in the Sept. 29 mid-air collision over the Amazon that killed 154. Citing a U.S.-Brazil treaty, the pilots say no, they'll testify in the U.S. instead . See my Brazil blog.

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Airports: SNAFU

Snafu, or SNAFU, is one of those terms writers always misuse to describe a situation that is unexpectedly out of control. Actually, the letters stand for "situation normal, all f----- up" (sometimes euphemistically rendered as "all fouled up.") The term comes from the Army, and it was in use before World War II, but the war gave it a boost into everyday language.

Snafu describes the situation once again tonight at the nation's airports. It's got to the point this summer where we barely consider it news that the air-traffic system is in meltdown -- again.

Check out FlightStats.com The flight-delay alerts are blinking like the monitor on a hedge-fund manager's desk. Ground delays (here's a link explaining what they are again) are posted over the place. This afternoon and tonight, O'Hare joins the usual suspects among airports on the East Coast in originating long delays, rather than just being affected by them. It's a real Goatf---, as they say in today's Army.

Can this crisis continue much longer before people in large numbers say the hell with it and stay home? Stay tuned. Labor Day weekend is coming up. Then the business-travel season resumes.

And come fall we'll learn whether the situation is (fouled) up beyond all repair. That's Fubar in the old Army.

Or a Clusterf--- in the new.

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Reality TV: Honey, I Sold the Kids

Some words you need to keep in reserve for when the occasion calls for their use.

Words like "odious."

I'm referring to a forthcoming reality-television series called "Kid Nation." It will be on a once-respected American television network, CBS.

You really have to read the waivers that were signed by the parents of the children selected for the program. Here, via the Smoking Gun is the remarkable 22-page contract in which parents grant CBS and two production outfits astonishing rights to their children’s lives and well-being, and indemnify them from liability, so that the children could participate in "Kid Nation." The show is to premier on Sept. 19 -- and in my opinion, anyone who watches it after reading that contract should be ashamed of themselves.

For the reality show, 40 children aged 8 to 15 were hauled off to Bonanza City, an abandoned mining town in the New Mexico desert, for 40 days, where they created their own ad hoc society -- out of contact with their parents.

The contract the parents signed to allow their children to participate, among other things, stipulates that the parents acknowledge “certain risks” to their child – referred to as the Minor -- participating in the 13-part series.

It says: “I agree that should the Minor be killed, injured or harmed” to release CBS and the producers “from any claim based on the Producer’s failure to inspect or investigate” the children’s “accommodations.”

For $5,000 (children who are voted best participant in each of the 13 episodes are eligible for another $20,000, at Producer's discretion, the contract says), parents agree to the following, among other things:

“I understand that the Program may take place in inherently dangerous travel areas, that may expose the Minor and other participants to a variety of unmarked and uncontrolled hazards and conditions that may cause the Minor serious bodily injury, illness or death, including, without limitation: general exposure to extremes of heat and cold; crime, water hazards, floods; drowning; treacherous terrain; collision with others, including those submerged below water surfaces; injuries arising from equipment failure or defect; falls from heights, objects and equipment; falling rocks and objects; crevasses, cliffs and rock avalanches; encounters with wild or domesticated animals; acts of God (e.g., earthquakes); food poisoning; encounters with dangerous flora and fauna; collisions with other participants, spectators and others; loss of orientation (getting lost) in primitive areas; exhaustion, dehydration, fatigue, over-exertion and sun or heat-stroke; hypothermia; and risks arising from evacuation and rescue activities in remote or less-developed areas.”

Also: “I acknowledge that the Minor’s participation” in the program “may present certain risks” … “and I hereby assume any and all risks on behalf of the Minor and myself associated with the Minor’s participation in the program, including, without limitation, the risk of death or physical or emotional injury, minor and/or severe bodily harm and/or illness, which arise by any means, including, without limitation, instruction by Producers or other program participants…”

Parents also agree not to hold CBS and the producers responsible if “the Minor chooses to enter into an intimate relationship of any nature with another participant or any other person [italics mine, but think about that], [then] the Minor does so without any influence by the Producers and the Minor and I hereby assume any and all risks that may be associated with any relationship, including, without limitation, emotional distress, illness, sexually transmitted diseases, HIV and pregnancy, if applicable.”

Remember, these are kids aged 8 to 15 ("if applicable"). Of the 40 kids, incidentally, a dozen are aged 10 or younger, and only one is 15.

Among other things, the parents also agree to abide by a confidentiality clause that prevents them from talking about the program and their child's participation in it unless the interview is “sanctioned by the press officer of CBS.”

Penalty for breaking the CBS oath of omerta and blabbing: $5 million.

Wondering about child-labor laws? The contract stipulates that any money paid to the children is a "prize or stipend" and "not, in any way, a wage, salary or other indicia of employment."

The story from today's Times is on the Web site, unaccountably buried. But here it is.

A major television network in the United States pulled this stunt, in cahoots with television production companies. A guy named Ghen Maynard is the head of alternative programing (reality shows) for CBS. He should be very proud of himself.

The parents who signed on to this -- what the hell were they thinking?

And by the way: Where were -- and are -- the kids' schools?

Meanwhile, parents interested in peddling their children for the next round of the series are offered an "Eligibility Requirements" form to fill out and send to the show's office at 1823 Colorado Ave. in Santa Monica, along with a video showcasing the kid's personality and a long questionnaire for both parent and child. I can't link to the questionnaire, a protected pdf file, but it's online at:

www.cbs.com/primetime/kid_nation_application/kid_nation_2.pdf

The application requires the child to answer a long list of questions. Among them:


--"How important is religion to you?" and how often do you go to church?

--"Who did your parents vote for in the last presidential election?"

--"Do you have a girlfriend or boyfriend or do you have a crush on anyone? If so, tell us about him or her."

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The Morning News: Bananas

Travelers to Venezuela will need to fiddle more than usual with their watches after New Year's because President Hugo Chavez has decreed that clocks will be moved ahead by a half-hour. A half-hour, not an hour, meaning that of all the major nations on earth, Venezuela will be the only one maintaining a time-zone 30 minutes out of step with the rest. *[See correction below]

In a rambling six-hour discourse Sunday on his TV and radio program, "Alo Presidente," Chavez said changing the clocks would allow citizens to benefit from "the metabolic effect where the human brain is regulated by the sun."

After the change, Venezuela will be 3 1/2 hours behind GMT, rather than 4.

And I can't be the only one who's thinking about the 1971 Woody Allen movie, "Bananas," in which Fielding Mellesh, a hapless product-tester from New York, wanders to the fictitious Central American country of San Marcos and ends up as the revolutionary dictator. Among his decrees: That everyone must change their underwear daily, and wear their underwear outside their regular clothes so it can be monitored.

* [Correction appended August 24--As noted in the readers' comments, it isn't true that Venezuela is the only major nation that will set its clocks off the hour. India is on the half-hour. There are other out-of-steppers here and there, including some places in Australia and in the Canadian maritime provinces. Nepal is even odder, being 45 minutes off the little hand.

There is a handy Web site, www.Timeanddate.com for finding out what time it is anywhere in the world. I should have checked it.]

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The Morning News

--I looked up the daily newspaper in Jamaica to see how the approaching hurricane was being covered from the scene. At first I thought I was reading an Onion parody, but no, it was real. Maybe there's some sort of movement for phonetic authenticity going on there that I don't know about. Who knew dialect was still being rendered this way in 2007?

--The only TV news we can stand to watch regularly in our house is the BBC World News, despite that ridiculous shiny red set that looks like a South Jersey diner, that thumping techno music that would be more at home in a Bulgarian nightclub, and those male news-readers who affect weird British speech patterns that make them sound like Elmer Fudds who have passed their A-levels. (I keep hoping there'll be riots in Kuala Lumpur just to listen to these guys try to say the words).

But I digress. This is about the coal-mine disaster in Utah. Why do the American media keep parroting the term used by the coal-mine owners, who insist that disaster is the result of "seismic shifts." The BBC, to its credit, calls it what it is: A cave-in.

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Tonight's Air Travel: What a Mess

If you're flying today, you already know that a good part of the nation's air traffic system is in a serious mess. A series of late-afternoon and early-evening thunderstorms on the East Coast has backed up flights all over the country.

The best way to assess current conditions is at FlightStats.com Use the "Airports" tab for specific airport delays information. The F.A.A. claims to have a flight-delay feature on its Web site, www.faa.gov -- but as usual it's worthless when you need it. As I write this, it's frozen.

If (as I do) you need a reminder of what "ground delay" and "ground stop" programs are, here's a link.

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Heathrow Hype and Time Travel (Einstein Was WAY Off)

Matt ("All Links All the Time") Drudge has a characteristically breathless headline over a link to a story from the always-quotable London Evening Standard: "Airport Meltdown As EVERY Flight Leaving Heathrow Is Delayed."

Wot? Granted, Heathrow is a great big mess, easily the most screwed-up major airport in the world.

But was every flight delayed yesterday morning? A simple check of FlightStats.com shows that to be an exaggeration, to put it mildly. At Heathrow, 81 percent of flights between 6 and 9 a.m. left on time; 60 percent between 9 a.m. and noon did, and 52 percent between noon and 3 p.m.

That's a lousy record. But air travelers need reliable information, not British press hysteria related as fact.

By the way, speaking of British press baloney, there's another hyperventilating link on the Drudge site today, from the Telegraph newspaper: "German Physicists: We have broken speed of light!" it says -- yes, in red.

Here is the top of the story:

"A pair of German physicists claim to have broken the speed of light-- an achievement that would undermine our entire understanding of space and time."

Holy Cow! (to quote the late Phil Rizzuto).

The learned physicists who came upon this earth-shaking discovery (which is strangely unmentioned in other world publications, undoubtedly because the media is in bed with those jealous bastards in the reality-based scientific establishment!) are identified as the Drs. Gunter Nimtz and Alfons Stahlhofen, of the University of Koblenz.

That's K-O-B-L-E-N-Z.

[The University of Koblenz -- K-O-B-L-E-N-Z -- was most recently in the news when jealous members of the reality-based scientific community worldwide ridiculed a research report from the U-Koblenz physics department claiming that cell-phone signals were decimating the world honeybee population.]

In finally overturning that smart-ass Albert Einstein, U-Koblenz's dynamic Nimtz-Stahlhofen duo found that light travels "instantaneously" rather than at the speed of light, making it possible for you and me to one day get on a spaceship and arrive at our destination at the exact same moment as we actually left, assuming we didn't change our plans or miss the connecting flight. This, of course, holds new promise for addressing the growing problem of airline flight delays and cancellations. Northwest Airlines should hire those two birds.

(Explaining further, the learned Koblenz (K-O-B-L-E-N-Z) scientists also discovered that the speed at which bullshit takes up permanent residence in an otherwise empty skull is infinitely greater than the speed of light.)

The Telegraph article is based on a report in the august New Scientist magazine, a publication that some jealous bastards in the realty-based academic community have ridiculed as being "scientifically illiterate."

Whatever. I get nervous with this talk of time travel because, to paraphrase Woody Allen, it might mean I'd have to sit through Grandma and the other Mime-Clowns at the Big Apple Circus again.

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